I recently wrote about a pregnancy scare that I had. I knew that right now was not a good time to have another baby and that doing so would cause a lot of stress and heartache for many reasons. While NOW is not the right time, I do want another child one day. I know exactly when I want to get pregnant (November 2013). I know that I do not want to find out the sex. I know that because of that, I want a special kind of baby shower. I know that I want to birth at home and have even looked into local midwives. I know I want a third child some day! I also know that my husband could not handle a third child. He is a great dad and loves our kids so much but they already overwhelm him. As previously mentioned my husband is a Marine. He was a grunt for most of his career and recently switched to E.O.D. This does effect things. He is different because of what he has seen and done no matter what he admits to. This effects his ability to cope with things sometimes. Add in his TBI and he is very easily overwhelmed. He knows this and knows that he probably cannot handle another child, ever. He also knows how I feel and so he says that he may be open to it someday.
I do not know what to do here. I have recently been telling myself that I will just have to learn to accept that I should not have any more kids. I love both of my children so much! They are absolutely perfect and people tell me all of the time not to push my luck with a third. Maybe they are right. I had a fortune teller in Spain tell me that I would only have two children. It was a stupid fleeting moment that should have meant nothing. A gypsy grabbed my hand on the street and read my palm. Still, it has stuck with me! I fear she was right.
I know that I should be greatful for what I have. I have two perfect, beautiful children who I love more than anything in the world. I have been lucky and have a girl and a boy. I am happy that I do have one of each especially If I do not have another. I am just not yet ready to accept that idea. When my husband and I first got married we both wanted three kids. I know I know, things change. My wants have not. Part of me knows that having a baby when my husband does not want one would do nothing but cause problems. Part of me feels that since I am the primary caregiver because of my husbands job, I should have a bigger say. Now before I continue let me say that I would never get pregnant on the sly. I am not that kind of woman. When I talk about having a baby even when my husband does not fully want one I am talking about the fact that he has told me that if I wait a little while he will give me another child even if he may doubt his ability to cope. Either way, its a bad situation.
I would never knowingly get pregnant if I felt that it would push him to far over the edge. I just hope that things will change. What do you do when you are in such different places? How do you explain your feelings to people who just don’t understand your longing for another child? How do you cope with a longing or emptiness that may never be filled? And finally how do you deal with the guilt of having two perfect children who you love so much but still wanting more?